BEZIEHUNGEN

Shinji awoke to see Kaworu in the corner of his room, fully dressed in his usual pristine white shirt and drab navy pants.

“Kaworu? What are you doing? What time is it…” Shinji muttered, rolling over to check a clock emblazoned with the NERV logo: 3:18:22.

“Shinji. Do you love me?”

“What? Kaworu… I… we’ve barely known each other, and I don’t yet know how I-”

“Sorry, that was a bad question to ask. What I meant to say was… do you believe in reincarnation? In past lives? In the rewriting and reopening of the Book of Genesis?”

“Kaworu, what are you talking about? Um… I don’t really know. Why… are you asking me all this?”

Kaworu sighed a sigh of one who knew a longstanding, deep-seated tiredness – not of Shinji, not of his situation, but of a long day. Of a long existence. “Because, Shinji, I have something to tell you. Our names are inscribed in the Book of Life. We will keep meeting each other again and again and again and again. I know this because I wrote it so. In other words, Shinji… I love you,”

“Kaworu?” Shinji asked, a tender note swelling up in his voice. “I… still don’t understand what you’re talking about…”

“That’s alright, Shinji. All you need to understand is that I love you. And I will make sure to give you the happiness you desire. No matter how many times I have to try; no matter how many times I fail, we will keep meeting again and again and again and again, and every single time, I will love you again and again and again and again.”

“O-Okay, Kaworu,” Shinji uttered, trying his hardest to conceal the tears running down his face. But he could not hide them from Kaworu, who reached out and placed his hand against Shinji’s cheek, letting the rivulets of tears flow down it freely. “I’m sorry, Kaworu! I’m sorry… it’s just… no-one has ever told me that before… you’re the only person to tell me they love me.”

Kaworu smiled as Shinji, through his tears, fell back asleep. When he was sure Shinji wouldn’t notice his absence, Kaworu stood up, gently caressing Shinji’s face as he slowly pulled his tear-stained hand away. “Shinji Ikari. I love you.” he said again, more to himself than to Shinji, as the door slid open and through it, Kaworu left.

Shinji drifted aimlessly through the world of his dreams, wings on his back propelling him forwards through a sea of imaginary LCL. Rei… Asuka… Misato… and now, this strange new force, Kaworu. The only person to love him. And he hadn’t said it with any underlying motives that Shinji could detect. He said what he truly meant, cryptic as what he truly meant was. And he loved Shinji, and Shinji was loved by Kaworu. And he was loved. And grasping and holding onto that thought, Shinji left the world of his dreams and-

Shinji awoke again. Kaworu was nowhere in sight. Shinji got dressed. Kaworu was probably by the piano again. As Shinji stepped out of the ruins of NERV headquarters, Zeruel’s attack fresh in his mind like it hadn’t been over a decade ago, he thought back to what Kaworu had said, rubbing the last vestiges of tears from his eyes as he did. Kaworu loved him. No matter what happened; no matter what mistakes he made, Kaworu loved him. And perhaps, that could be enough, enough for him to-

“Shinji Ikari. Good morning,” Shinji looked down and saw Kaworu smiling up at him. Shinji smiled back. It was the first time he’d smiled in… years, technically. And as Shinji descended to Kaworu and the piano, blue sky above him, the truth of the matter struck him: he loved Kaworu too.

Shinji crossed over to Kaworu, who was already waiting for him, hands on the piano, beckoning for him to play the first note. And as Shinji sat down and began to play, he saw Kaworu looking at him, smiling. And then, with no prompting, Shinji began to sing.

“Fly me to the moon… and let me play among the stars… let me see what spring is like on Jupiter and Mars… in other words,” he sang, tenderly gazing at Kaworu as he did. “Hold my hand… in other words, darling, kiss me… fill my heart with song, and let me sing forevermore,” he continued, interlacing his fingers with Kaworu’s. Kaworu turned to him, pleasantly startled, as Shinji sang on. “You are all I long for, all I worship and adore… in other words, please be true… in other words,” Shinji’s voice echoed inside the large pit, as he took Kaworu’s hand, playing the last few despondent notes on the piano, “I love you,”

“That was beautiful, Shinji. I didn’t know you could sing,” Kaworu said, smiling at him.

“Normally I can’t, so… consider this an exception,” Shinji said, returning the smile, Kaworu’s hand still in his. As the two stared into each other’s eyes, Shinji continued smiling. Perhaps this was the happiness he desired. To play the piano with Kaworu over and over and over and over, forgetting about all the pain and death he had caused. Perhaps, he could stay here. Perhaps he could run away from his problems and cower with Kaworu forever. Perhaps there wasn’t anything more to do. Perhaps he could be happy. Perhaps-

“Shinji Ikari. I have something to tell you about this mission we are about to embark on. We might be able to redo everything. Using the twin spears of Longinus and Cassius, we might be able to redo the Near-Third Impact. It all begins with the mission we will soon be sent on, in Eva Unit 13. This unit has a double-entry system. Both of us will be piloting it. Together, we could fix everything. Are you interested?”

“Of course. I… want to make up for the mistakes I’ve made. If there’s any chance I could redo the Near-Third Impact, I’ll take it. But… this means I’ll have to pilot an Eva once again…”

“Is that a problem, Shinji?”

“This is,” Shinji said, gesturing to the black and red choker wrapped tightly around his neck. “It’s a DSS Choker. Misato put it on me. If I try to pilot an Eva ever again… it explodes,”

“I understand,” said Kaworu. He got up from the piano bench and walked behind Shinji, placing his arms on Shinji’s shoulders. “Shinji Ikari. Do you trust me?”

“What kind of a question is that, Kaworu? Of course-”

In one smooth, fluid motion, Kaworu took the DSS Choker off Ikari’s neck, causing him to gasp as he swiftly turned around, only to see Kaworu reattaching the choker to his own neck. “Kaworu! Wait! You’ll-”

“It’s okay, Shinji. This will bring you happiness. Once we redo everything, I promise… things will be alright. You’ll attain the happiness you’ve always desired. We love each other, don’t we?”

“…alright, Kaworu. I trust you,”

This time, Kaworu promised to himself. This time, he would get it right. This time, he would give Shinji the happiness he desired. As Shinji fell into his embrace, he remembered why he was doing all this. Because he loved Shinji. Shinji was a person who deserved to live.

“Shinji Ikari. I love you.”

“Kaworu Nagisa… I love you too.”